February: Softening in Motion
February arrives with momentum: tender, real, and still unfolding. Healing is becoming visible in ways that matter, even as my capacity continues to swing wide and unpredictable. Progress is present here, alongside the ongoing work of adjusting and listening.
This month includes travel for care and for love: time in Denver for appointments and family, and a birthday trip to Salida to celebrate Patrick. Moving through the world again feels like a stretch, one I’m approaching with care, curiosity, and flexibility.
Slowness isn’t a choice yet; it’s something my body still insists on. Within that insistence, something is softening. Expectations loosen. Presence deepens. February begins as a month of learning how to move forward while listening — not perfectly, but with growing trust.
When Progress and Limits Share the Same Week • January 29 – February 6
Movement Returning (and the Joy in It)
I’m back to pool walking — twice so far in the last week and a half — and intended to go again before leaving town Sunday, but needed a rest day and didn’t make it. Being in the water feels incredible: weightless and moving at the same time, a combination my body clearly loves right now. Sharing that time with Patrick has made it even sweeter. It’s one of the places where progress feels both real and gentle, without needing to be pushed.
I’m also close to being done with crutches. Some days feel really good, others feel really hard. My thoughts oscillate, my capacity oscillates, and I’m learning — again — that both can be true at the same time.
Care Deepening, Not Decreasing
This stretch has brought me back into a fuller rhythm of care with at least five appointments a week, and I’m taking a lot of care in how I sequence them. Some days include more than one appointment, and sometimes those combinations work beautifully. Other times, they don’t.
For example, PT really needs to stand alone, or be paired with something like somatic behavioral health therapy rather than another bodywork session. Even though there’s bodywork in therapy, it’s different — the nervous system load matters.
I also restarted Feldenkrais sessions, alongside my regular Taos appointments, and it feels wonderful to be back. This modality helps me so much, and I’m excited to be reconnecting with it at this stage of healing.
This week was also my last session with one of the two PTs I’ve been seeing. I’m genuinely happy for him and deeply grateful — he’s helped me so much. There’s some sadness in saying goodbye, and also a sense that this transition is right.
Complexity, Layers, and Open Questions
A lot of recent conversations with providers have focused on my underlying connective tissue disorders — Sjögren’s and Ehlers-Danlos — and how multiple injuries and surgeries have created layers of scar tissue in my body. We’re talking more about how my body is reacting now, where there may be nerve involvement, and why nerve pain can be so much harder to calm than structural or soft tissue pain.
At a myofascial chiropractic session today, we found a lot of tension around the hip, deep inside and into the pelvic floor — which makes sense when you consider how connected those tissues are. There was also very concentrated tension between the pubic bones at the pubic symphysis and up through my diaphragm. So many things could be affecting me.
Pudendal neuralgia has come up as a possible diagnosis, though nothing is certain yet. An evaluation at the Mayo Clinic was suggested as a next step.
These weeks don’t exist in isolation — they sit alongside continued healing from my right hip surgeries last summer, and the longer, quieter recovery from the accident itself over the last three and a half years. So many things could be affecting me.
Learning the Limit
I’ve started a new hypermobility-focused PT program based on Living Life to the Fullest With Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I’m genuinely excited about this — and so is my PT. It’s new to her, she’s been learning a lot, and she thinks this protocol could really help with joint instability and pain.
The protocol includes many of the exercises I’m already doing for hip healing, with slight variations to better stabilize my body. I did my new exercises for the first time yesterday and it took about 20 minutes total. Right now I have five exercises that I do for 90 seconds each, working my way up to three minutes before moving on to the next level. It feels manageable, intentional, and promising.
I keep coming back to how lucky I am to have providers who are curious, collaborative, and genuinely interested in learning with and from my body.
At the same time, I’m continuing to take things really slow — because that’s what’s required of me right now. My body says thank you when I do. I can’t just push through anymore. And as frustrating as that can be, it’s also becoming a meaningful learning.
Looking Ahead, Gently
I’m getting ready to travel again, this time to Denver for a surgical follow-up and time with family and friends. I’m especially looking forward to a day with a close friend, getting pampered and doing pre-wedding things for her June wedding, and spending time with my mom. I don’t care about the Super Bowl but I am excited to see Bad Bunny’s halftime show and to enjoy an evening of naughty fun food at mom’s house.
It feels wonderful to be in a place where I can do a lot of the packing myself, even though I have to go really slow and make sure I’m not pushing it. The weekend ahead of travel Sunday 2/8 is gearing up to be productive, restful, and fun.
As February continues, I’m practicing moving forward while listening, even when listening isn’t perfect. Progress is here. Limits are too. I’m learning how to hold both.
Seen and Unseen • February 7–19
Travel to Denver
Traveling with crutches is still stressful. I used both on the way to Denver and had to ask for help rather than having it offered. That takes a toll in a way that’s hard to quantify. Still, people were kind when I did ask, and the travel itself went smoothly. My mama picked me up at the airport, and traffic wasn’t too bad despite it being Super Bowl Sunday. We ordered reubens, caught up, and half-watched the game — more importantly, the Bad Bunny halftime show. We absolutely loved it. The backlash was frustrating and sad, and unfortunately not surprising.
Monday was a gift. My girlfriend and I had a full, fun day: haircuts from my mom’s neighbor, facials, and then Cherry Creek Mall to shop for her wedding dress. It was such a wonderful and much-needed girls’ day — normal, celebratory, and light. We have been like sisters since middle school and I am honored to be her maid of honor. I’m beyond grateful for her sisterhood.
Tuesday was something else entirely.
At my eight-week PAO post-op, x-rays of both hips showed positive healing progress. When I brought up my pelvic pain, the PA seemed baffled at how it could be related to the PAO. At his suggestion, I called my arthroscopy surgeon’s office in Boulder to let them know I was in town and dealing with new symptoms. They got me in that afternoon — which was both impressive and overwhelming. It was a really big day.
What I learned: pelvic pain could stem from multiple sources — pudendal nerve involvement, pelvic floor tension, adductors over-tightening, lumbar overworking. We took lumbar x-rays and discovered bilateral pars defects at L5 — structural weaknesses in the vertebra that allow it to slip slightly forward over S1 and potentially cause nerve entrapment, among other things. More information. More layers. More to unpack.
My Taos providers will help me work through this new information and address what we can. I’m still considering an evaluation at Mayo Clinic, given my provider’s high recommendation due to experience with similar cases. I also need to establish care with a new OB/GYN to rule out additional factors — something I’ve been meaning to do anyway, especially with irregularities in my cycle since before my August surgeries. My previous PCP moved away, and I have someone I really like but she is rarely in town.
I said it last post and I’ll say it again: so many things could be affecting me! Some of this is visible — healing hips on x-ray. Some of it isn’t — nerve pain, lumbar instability, the cumulative toll of surgeries last August and the accident three and a half years ago. All of it is layered together.
Some things show up clearly on imaging. Others live in the spaces in between. What’s visible isn’t always what hurts the most.
Wednesday, after all the hip appointments and new back information, my mom and I had the most playful, silly day. We ran errands, had fun with the neighbors, laughed at nothing, and just enjoyed being together. I think we are pretty cute best friends.
That day felt seen in a different way — not medically, not diagnostically, just relationally. I loved it so much.
Travel Home
Travel home was harder. I spent many hours at DIA, stuck from 10am to 5pm. I could have asked for a wheelchair — I didn’t plan ahead, and I didn’t ask while I was there. Plenty of empty wheelchairs passed me without so much as a glance. I felt invisible.
Other travelers stepped in front of me or nearly ran into me. It was a challenging day.
Patrick picked me up at the Taos airport, and we had an early Valentine’s dinner: cheesy aromatic baked rice, a big arugula salad, short ribs. It was perfect. He left for Albuquerque the next day, and I spent the weekend resting and settling back in.
Catching up with all my providers this week has been a lot. Truly a lot.
The Work of Regulation
I’ve been thinking about how I describe pain. Sometimes I almost feel empathy for it — imagining what it would be like to be the body part causing it. As if it doesn’t know where home is, or what it’s supposed to be doing. When I try to use clinical words like “throbbing” or “radiating,” and the provider doesn’t have a clear answer, it can feel like I chose the wrong word, like language itself becomes part of the uncertainty.
There’s tension in a body that needs calm, slow movement and presence — and at the same time wants to progress and get stronger. I don’t want to exacerbate anything. I also don’t want to stagnate.
Conflicting information from providers is still part of the landscape. As usual, I have to trust my gut.
I’ve been spending a lot of time regulating — calming my nervous system, calming pain, calming fear.
Some of that fear is immediate: what’s flaring now, what’s structural, what’s next.
And some of it stretches further out. I think about whether my body will ever feel solid enough to carry a pregnancy — and whether there will be a stretch of steadiness before that, enough time to feel strong and have some normalcy and fun. Having a baby is a huge toll on the body. I’m about to be 35. The math in my head can get loud.
I might have started my period. I’ve been tricked a few times over the last seven months, but this time feels real thanks to cramping I haven’t felt since middle school. Time will tell. The possibility alone feels hopeful.
I also find myself questioning what activities I’ll ever fully return to. Certain versions of “before” feel further away than others.
But this isn’t the first time I’ve had to shift the question. Over the last three and a half years, I’ve learned — again and again — to move from “When can I get back to X?” to “What can I enjoy now?” That shift isn’t easy, but it’s steadier.
I just started a new nervous system reset meditation challenge on Insight Timer, and it feels like the right tool arriving at the right time. I use that, and I still begin most mornings reading my daily astrology and often doing the meditation in the CHANI app. I don’t think any of it is magic, but small anchors and helpful tools matter. Especially when so much feels uncertain.
Weather, Pain, and Small Hope
The weather rolled in strong in Taos this week and ramped up my pain. The last two nights I’ve been awake with intensified neuralgia — pain radiating, electrifying, burning from my left hip to just below my knee, through my groin, butt, and low back. And my pelvic neuralgia has not calmed down at all. Ugh, so many things! With this kind of pain it is nearly impossible to get comfortable again and fall back asleep.
PT was wonderful today. We did some dry needling that will hopefully help and she gave me some suggestions for sleeping positions to better support my unstable L5. I came home and hot tubbed, what a joyous treat that is! Taos mountain views from the comfort of our back yard. Tonight: pack and prepare for the trip, Nuggets, rest.
Looking Ahead
Tomorrow we head to Salida for Patrick’s birthday — a big house with friends, then two nights just the two of us at the Outside Inn. They’ll hit the mountain Saturday and Sunday; I am sad to miss out and I also know having extra down time just me will help me stay regulated.
It will be the first time leaving the pups with our house sitter. She came over last weekend and it went beautifully. They’re all excited to hang out. I know they’ll be in wonderful hands.
I’m looking forward to all the fun plans in the coming weeks and months. And I’m also nervous. With symptoms and medical questions still floating around, I need to make sure my needs are met — especially while traveling, around lots of people, and trying to do things I’ve missed.
There’s that shift happening again: from lingering on what-ifs to building with what’s possible.
Living in the Middle of It
Chasing Snow
Patrick’s birthday celebration started with a last-minute pivot. Instead of heading to Salida first as planned, we found a great house in Durango and decided to chase the snow for once. The change felt a little wild — and actually really good. It’s been a long time since we made a spontaneous decision just because we wanted to, and not because we had to.
Our first night set the tone: oysters, bone marrow, charcuterie, wine, soup, grilled cheese — a spread of delicious things we don’t usually have all at once. Three days of great company, games, quiet moments, and a lot of laughter.
After that we headed to Salida and stayed at a funky little place called the Outside Inn. Patrick and I wandered thrift stores, bummed around town, and had a wonderful birthday dinner out. It was simple and celebratory in all the right ways.
Stabilizing
I’m feeling encouraged by my new PT protocol. The focus on hypermobility stabilization feels like it’s helping my body find a little more steadiness.
At the same time, we’re still trying to pin down the pelvic pain that showed up earlier this month. Right now that exploration includes several different paths: Mayo Clinic as a possibility, cold laser therapy with my myofascial chiropractor, ongoing tissue work and alignment with PT, and bodywork focused on nervous system regulation.
My arthroscopy surgeon in Boulder is both concerned and puzzled — but very engaged in helping figure it out. Within 48 hours of my last appointment he ordered a lumbar MRI to rule out nerve compression and referred me to a physiatrist. That appointment, happening later today (3/6) will include an injection at the adductor attachment on the pubic bone, which sounds… intense.
It’s a reminder that I’m still early in this process with the new hips. Progress will continue, even when the path is messy.
The Volume of It All
Right now my body is holding a lot at once.
Two healing hips.
Pelvic pain we’re still trying to understand.
Ongoing nasal treatment with the NasoNeb while experimenting with different regimens, especially when traveling.
Pain radiating down my outer thighs, through my groin and glutes.
General muscle overactivity.
SI and low back pain.
Upper cervical instability.
And more that I don’t even need to list.
Saying it all out loud can feel overwhelming, though sometimes naming it all helps me remember why things still feel so intense.
Life Alongside It
At the same time, life keeps happening — and I’m trying not to let medical care become the center of everything.
I’m having so much fun with family in Denver. My brother and his fiancée are in town, her brother was visiting from Mexico City earlier this week, and we went to the Nuggets-Lakers game with my nephew — only to run into my niece and her friends there. It was chaotic and joyful and exactly the kind of night I’ve missed.
I’m still dealing with a lot, but I’m also trying to live a life that isn’t defined only by appointments and symptoms.
There are many things I’ve been thinking about lately — questions about health, stability, what comes next, what this all means to me. I’ll write more about those when I have the slowness and space to do it thoughtfully.
For now, I’m focusing on being present with what’s here: family, small moments, and the things that feel good when they appear.
Looking Ahead
Patrick and I are headed to San Francisco on Tuesday.
More life in the middle of healing.
All month: gradually return to regular Taos provider appointments as able (bodywork, therapy, pain specialist, naturopath, energy work and nervous system support)
3/2-10: Denver
3/4: 3 month L Hip Arthroscopy Post-Op
3/4: Lumbar spine MRI
3/6: Physiatrist Injection Appt
3/10-14: T+P trip to San Fran
3/13: Rio Kosta concert
3/13: Warriors-Timberwolves game
dates tbd: Denver
4/1: my 35th birthday :)
4/1: Co Springs to see Facial Plastics and Reconstructive Surgeon
4/2: 4 month L Hip PAO Post-Op
4/4: Nuggets-Spurs game
TBD: return to run, impact, and higher intensity exercise
