March: The Same Work, A Different Weight
March didn’t arrive with some clean shift or turning point.
If anything, it felt like more of the same. More appointments, more questions, more time inside a body that still doesn’t feel simple.
I’ve found myself wondering how to write these updates without sounding like a broken record. Because so much of it is the same — still navigating care, still managing pain, still trying to make sense of a body and a system that don’t always make sense back.
And yet, something about this month felt different.
Not easier. Not clearer.
But perhaps more honest about what this actually is. Not a phase I move through, but something I’m still learning how to live inside.
Maybe the repetition isn’t a failure of perspective.
Maybe it’s the most honest reflection of what it means to be in something that doesn’t resolve on a neat timeline. Or ever.
Movement Everywhere
March moved quickly, somehow even faster than I expected.
I was in Denver, San Francisco, back to Denver, home in Taos, and now headed back through Colorado Springs and Denver again. There was more walking than I’ve done in a while, more exploring, more good food, more moments that felt full and alive.
In some ways, it felt really good to say yes to that. To move. To be out in the world again.
And at the same time, it all added to a feeling I couldn’t quite shake — that I was moving a lot, but not really landing anywhere.
Nowhere to Land
Even being home hasn’t fully felt like being home yet. And we’re leaving again in two days.
Coming back into routine has brought a kind of quiet upheaval — the overwhelm of settling, the awareness of how much still feels in flux. With more travel ahead and my birthday coming up, I can feel how much I’m craving something I haven’t quite had: a stretch of time to just be here.
To settle.
To receive care.
To actually feel the impact of all the work I’m doing to get better.
And, to get a glimmer of what life can be like now. It starts with slowing down enough to just be.
Life Moving Around Me
There’s also been a lot shifting around me.
Time with family and friends, with people I love. Planning for weddings and new babies. Being together, being apart. Moments of connection, and moments of missing out.
And this lingering question of closure.
The lawsuit is over — and in many ways, that chapter is complete. But the medical side of this isn’t. And I’m realizing how much that continues to shape how I track my life, my finances, my energy, even how I think about myself.
Will there ever be a clean sense of “done”? I don’t know.
Even in the closure of the lawsuit and the freedom and opportunity it allows, I haven’t had the capacity to settle in to what it really means.
The Body Still Leading
Underneath everything, the body is still very much leading.
Care is still head to toe — eye, nose, mouth, spine, pelvis, hips, legs, nerves. It’s a lot to hold, logistically and physically. My mental/emotional/spiritual being needs more support, my PTSD… I’m struggling to give every piece of me the care and attention she deserves.
This month especially, pelvic pain has taken up more space. Affecting comfort, movement, progress, even mental health.
There have been new steps forward — referrals, imaging, injections — and also new questions.
Even just this week, I learned that the approach I thought I needed might not be the right one right now. That some muscles need rest, not strengthening. That doing less might actually be the next step.
Which brings me back to the same question in a new form:
How do I triage all of this?
What comes next?
Who do I need on my team?
How do I know I am making the best next step(s)?
What’s Holding Me
And still — there are things holding me and bringing brightness.
Time with Calvin, Silv, my mom. With Patrick and our sweet pups and kitty. With my nieces and nephews. Lady hangs and catch ups. Small moments of connection that feel grounding in the middle of everything else.
Even the lighter things — time with friends, laughter, glimpses of ease, new found joy in swimming — have mattered more than usual this month.
They don’t cancel out the hard.
But they make it more livable.
Continued pelvic pain evaluation + next steps in care
Exploring new providers (pelvic floor PT, Mayo Clinic, etc.)
Focusing on nervous system + PTSD work
Time at home (hopefully more of it)
Preparing for spring — garden, ducks, chickens
Birthday + upcoming travel
4/1: my 35th birthday :)
4/1: Co Springs to see Facial Plastics and Reconstructive Surgeon
4/2: 4 month L Hip PAO Post-Op
4/4: Nuggets-Spurs game
TBD: return to run, impact, and higher intensity exercise
